The Biography of Jon Laing

Ugly mutant fish

Very first to walk on land

His name was Jon Laing

Analects of Confuscius

The horrible beast of legend, Jon Laing has terrorized the countrysides of Europe, Asia, and parts of Detroit for centuries. A grotesque fiend with battle axes for feet and daggers for eye-balls, he is perhaps best known his hauntingly graceful choreography and solemn opera compositions. Many may remember him from the epic of Will Smith in which Laing was described as a man “who [was] up to no good” and “starting making trouble in [his] neighborhood”. Smith was later placed in the FBI witness protection program and is presumed to have been relocated to somewhere on the West Coast of the United States.

After winning a game of Russian roulette with Ernest Hemmingway, Laing attempted his hand in the arts. He played a formative role in the hit TV show “Diff’rent Strokes” and even voiced the CGI character, Arnold Jackson in the series’ pilot episode. After being replaced by Randy Savage for the voice of Arnold, Laing attempted to become a famous abstract expressionist painter.

Laing put his best foot forward as a “self taught” artist. He was quickly met with rejection and scorn, but he would not be deterred. Upon adoptiong the psuedonym, “Cy Twombly”, Laing began to see palpable success, and was even able to waste a copious amount of wall space at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Regarding this turn of events, he was quoted as saying, “I’m starting to think this whole art thing is a load of bull mess.” After years of frustration, Laing chose to attend the University of the Arts in Philadelphia where his suspicions were confirmed.

In 2011, after kicking his self-esteem addiction, Laing was released from the University on Parole Cum Laude. He lives in relative obscurity, making horse sculptures out of strands of eyebrow hairs and cannoli filling. When pressured for a statement, he had only this to say:

I don’t know much about too much, and all that jazz, but what I can tell you is if I were given a choice between the former and the latter, I would definitely choose the middle of the two.

Written by James Hurley, Staff Writer at the Independent Post of Philadelphia (4/16/2012)

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