The Predictive Future

To: All Departments

From: Editorial

Subject: Features changes

In order to cut costs here at The Gazette, we’ve handed over the writing of the horoscopes, obits, sports pages and a few human interest pieces to Jordan, the copy intern. To facilitate a fast turnaround, he will be writing each piece using only the predictive text feature on his phone.

We hope this move will help avoid cutting staff, while introducing a new and exciting way of generating edit-free content in the future.

Below is Jordan’s first round of horoscope readings.

 

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Aries

Find out if there’s something wrong with an old friend. There’s a little something that you can get from a couple of different people. That’s the best way to start your week! Celebrity news from a familiar group of men with a large number is out of order. Beer is a great way of thinking!

 

Taurus

Today is the one day that has the best chance of being an option you want. Love is the only thing that can make you look like you have no idea how long you have been around. Be there! Money finds you a very happy new life. Chess is a great game!

 

Gemini

A caveman with an iPhone is not the best way to make an old movie. There are some people who don’t like you. Ignore it! You have no place for a long timeline. Brevity and clarity is the only way. Employment in the new world is a very good place for you. Jump out the door!

 

Cancer

Bitter love from the world and the past is not enough. You’ll have to pay more for your friends than the other day. Sadness is the only thing that can make you feel. Find a way out for a great chance of being a famous person. A deadline is for sale!

 

Leo

Money is your best thing ever! Spend your whole day on your phone. The only way to make your friends happy is the best way to make you happy. Timing is your best friend so go to bed with your phone. Familiar faces from the last week and the last couple of years have been sent back. Hide under duress!

 

Virgo

Conflict isn’t something you need. You can make it all if you want, but that’s not what you want. Watch out for your friends and family. They have been around for a long time but they are the closing costs. An encounter between two ferns is a good idea. Fight for the money!

 

Libra

Bury your heart with your own hands. There are some people who don’t know what you are doing, but they don’t have a good chance to make you happy. Only a few things can make you look like the best person. A death will make you feel so close with your heart. Act as if you don’t want to talk. Keep up with your new favorite songs!

 

Scorpio

Go back on your friends! They don’t have the money for their own game. You can make it to a different level but it won’t be the same for the first week. Tread lightly with the exciting new look of a cowboy. You’re a dog! Run to the corner of a glass.

 

Sagittarius

You have a stellar career with a great game but that’s not what you want. Pets are the best way to make your day better when you are your own dog. A chance for a great day with the young and growing heart is a good place to start. Bite your finger and make your own way! Canned food is a great option.

 

Capricorn

The bridge between the two sides of your heart is the best thing you have. A parent who has been on your phone and is not a very good person is having to make a new look. Laziness has made it worse! Find your own place to live. Fly higher than you can!

 

Aquarius

Bullies have been around the scene for a long time. Don’t let your own stuff get to you when you run away. A friend of God is not what you want. Church is a very bad place for the people who have a plan. You miss your old times but it’s not a very good game to play! Spirits are filled with the young and old. Take a picture of your hair.

 

Pisces

Be of the young ones! Bravery is not an option. Follow back from the last day of your work week. Adversity makes you feel better about being able to make your own decisions. A movie of the week is just around the corner. Embrace the new world! Resistance is not an option. Resistance. Is. Not. An. Option.

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